The Journey Continues

So in the 3+ months since I last updated this blog my life has changed in many ways.  I have turned 40, started two new jobs, had clear results from my mammogram, celebrated my one year anniversary for having my stomach removed, received another clean bill of health according to my blood work, and have had my feeding tube removed.

It ends up that gaining weight stands out as being the most difficult thing for me to accomplish over the past few months.  I weighed exactly the same amount at my appointment in April as I did at my appointment in January.  My appetite is better but it ends up that gaining weight is as just as difficult if not more difficult than it is to lose weight, something I had struggled with for years.  It is so strange to go from dressing myself to  try and look thinner to now trying to dress so that no one can see just how thin I am.     Having the feeding tube removed did not go as my doctor, nutritionist, and I had planned.  I was going to be weaned off the the tube feeding, lowering my amounts of feeding and then watching to see if I could maintain my weight without it.  Well the pain around my tube site was unbearable and this past week, I was in agony.  I could not even take a breath without it hurting so with the help of my handy husband we removed my j-tube.  I feel like a new person.  But now the pressure is on for me to really increase my intake of food and liquids.  Believe it or not forcing yourself to eat and drink all day long is exhausting.

When I went to my appointment in April I had a tough conversation with my oncologist.  It's hard to explain it but there are certain times when I feel like I just don't know how to move forward with my life.  Even though I am much better now than I was just 6 or 7 months ago my cancer was rated as T3N1M0, which in turn makes my cancer Stage IIB.  This means, according to statistics, I have a 33% chance of surviving more than 5 years.  Pretty intimidating numbers.  So I asked the oncologist..."how do I move forward", "do you have other patients like me", "how long have patients like me survived".   He could only respond by saying he has seen patients that have had more severe stomach cancer than I did where the cancer has not returned .  But he also has seen patients where there cancer was not as bad as what I had and the cancer has returned.  So basically I don't have any clue what my future holds.  I just have to keep telling myself I'm going to be in that 33%.  Every day that my labs or scans show me as having no signs of cancer the better, every day I get further away from that day in April 2011 where I had my stomach removed the better.  So I now have 1 year and 1 month under my belt.   With every day that passes I feel the odds are tilting in my favor.  Do I have an answer to my question as to how I move forward with my life....No.  I'm still trying to figure that one out.  What I do know is I'm going to do the best I can to be there for my son for as long as I can, he is my driving force.

If you're still with me I thank you for all of your support in this crazy journey of mine.  I'll continue to write  as I can.  Sometimes it's therapeutic just to put it down on "paper" and get some thoughts out of my mind.   Until next time...take care.